


The Birds and the Storks

by shaqb4



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:08:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28597476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shaqb4/pseuds/shaqb4
Summary: A response to a prompt in the Harry / Fleur discord server in which Veela children are brought by giant storks. The father must fight the stork to prove their worth to keep the baby. Do not take seriously, this is truly ridiculous.
Relationships: Fleur Delacour/Harry Potter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	The Birds and the Storks

Harry shifted on the couch, flipping a page of his latest comfort read. It was a Saturday; he could afford some leisure time.

“Honey?” He looked up at Fleur’s voice. She was leaning against the living room door frame, wringing her hands nervously. He felt something distinctly not comforting start to wheedle its way into his bubble of bliss.

“What is it?” He asked. No need to panic yet.

She opened and closed her mouth a few times, but no sound came out. _Oh no. This is gonna be bad._ “There’s something I haven’t told you. We’ve been talking about starting a family, right?” Harry nodded slowly. “Well Veela children aren’t exactly born the same way as most species. Did you ever wonder where the old story about storks giving children away came from?”

It was definitely time to panic. “Fleur, I sincerely hope you’re not saying what I think you’re saying.”

“If you think I’m saying that a seven foot tall stork made of pure muscle is about to show up to kick your face in so you can prove your worth as a Veela’s mate, then that’s exactly what I’m saying.” She didn’t _sound_ like she was joking.

“Huh. That wasn’t what I was expecting at all.” Then the words caught up to him. _Wait, what?_ “Fleur, what the hell?!” He stood up and the book tumbled to the floor, signifying the complete destruction of his bubble. “A stork! Now? But what about all the sex we’ve been having to try to get you… Do you even get pregnant?”

She shrugged sheepishly. “I enjoyed it, and you were very motivated.”

Harry threw up his hands. “So did I, but that’s not the point! So I have to fight this thing to get a baby?”

Fleur smiled, excited. “Exactly.” Her smile fell. “But no magic, physical onl-” A thud sounded outside. Harry whirled towards the door, wand already in hand, and strode towards the disturbance. Fleur followed after him, frantic. “Harry, no! Put the wand away, he’ll only get angry.” Before he could get there, the door exploded inward, wooden pieces flying past him. _That was a new door_ , he thought faintly.

Where the door had been now stood a monstrosity of muscle and feathers, with angry eyes and thin legs that had no right carrying that much weight. Despite himself, Harry’s first thought was _Jesus, this stork needs to get some squats in_. Then he saw the baby basket held in its beak and he froze. He was getting that damn baby.

The bird said nothing, simply placed the basket down next to him and got into a fighting stance. Eyes narrowed, Harry mirrored him. “Fleur, hold my wand.” He barely noticed her take it from his outstretched hand.

As one, they converged. The stork swung a wing at him. Harry tried to duck but got cuffed on the side of the head, knocking him sideways. Staggering, he caught himself and twisted away from the bird’s next strike. He got one good body punch in before the thing went for a peck and he had to scramble backwards.

In the background he heard Fleur screaming, “He doesn’t have hands! Make the beaky fuck regret it!” God he loved her.

Taking her advice to heart, he got in close and circled its legs for the take down. Nothing like some good ol’ ground and pound. He didn’t anticipate how heavy the stork was. Instead of going down, it grabbed his shirt in it’s beak and flung him away.

Now he was angry. He shook himself off and stood up, glaring at the bastard. “Alright you quack motherfucker, I hope you don’t need those feathers for flying.” With that, he charged towards it, ignoring its insulted cries. He ducked under a swipe, sidestepped a kick, and grabbed the nearest feathers he could find, then wrenched as hard as he could.

The bird squawked in pain. Harry laughed hysterically. “That’s right, you ‘roided up, Godzilla looking, soon to be plucked piece of dark meat! That baby’s staying with us.” Glancing down, he saw his comfort book lying on the ground, just calling out to be used. Harry obliged. He scooped it up, pulled back and slammed it as hard as he could across the stork’s beak. It fell back with an almighty crash.

Silence descended in the trashed living room, broken only by Harry’s panting. Slowly, he looked at Fleur, eyes wide. “Honey… did we just have a baby?”


End file.
